


clouds;

by dimpleskyun



Series: the truth runs wild [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Basketball, Coming Out, Gay Coming of Age, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 21:55:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13645212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimpleskyun/pseuds/dimpleskyun
Summary: When Jooheon is ten he meets Hyungwon.When Jooheon is fourteen he learns what being heartbroken means.When Jooheon is seventeen he understands things aren't always what they seem.When Jooheon is twenty he realizes he is in love.





	clouds;

**Author's Note:**

  * For [leehyukjames (hyunghoney)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyunghoney/gifts).



> for james <3
> 
>  **I M P O R T A N T**  
>  **TW:** panic attack; fist fights; strong language; some mentions of smoking and drinking; homophobia.  
>  (Not explicit but just in case).

When Jooheon is ten he meets Hyungwon.

It's on a Tuesday after school, Jooheon walks aimlessly around the small town, kicking pebbles across the path in front of him, thinking about the boys in his school and how much he dislikes them. They make fun of his small and chubby stature, claiming he isn't fit to be in the school's basketball team. He glances at the ball safely tucked under his arm and feels an immense negative feeling flooding his mind. _Sadness_. He wants to cry and scream but he knows that would further taunt him. He needs to be strong.

Ever since he saw the nationals with his dad he has been a fan of basketball and wants to play it, become a star as well, so after asking his parents they signed him up to his school's team. It's been two weeks since that day, the excitement and illusion since then disappeared, leaving only sourness and frustration behind. Jooheon hates his short legs, he hates his short stature, he hates that his cheeks are too round.

He admits that perhaps he envies the boys in his team and wants to be a bit more like them, but he hates that thought as well, because they're rude and mean to him. Why would he want to _be_ them?

Lost in his thoughts Jooheon doesn't realize where he is walking until he picks up the familiar noise of a ball hitting the floor repeatedly in short sequences. He clears his mind with a soft shake of his head and walks towards the source of the noise, curiously looking around. He walks through the park he must have stumbled into while he was busy grumbling about his team mates, and at the end he spots a fence, behind it is an empty basketball court.

Empty except for one tall boy dribbling a ball in front of him, the boy halts abruptly and jumps up high, tossing the ball towards the hoop, landing a neat score. Jooheon is in awe.

He watches the boy for ten more minutes, half hidden behind some bushes. He doesn't know what it is about the way the other boy moves but he wants to be like him, not in the same way as he wants to be like his team mates. _No_. He wants to practice harder and achieve such beautiful shots as this boy delivers. Once Jooheon musters up the courage he makes himself present by dribbling his own ball, hesitantly and a bit awkwardly.

The boy snaps his head towards him, surprised at first but his expression softens as he takes in Jooheon's appearance, smiling even. Jooheon is once again in awe, for some reason foreign to him.

"Hi," he stutters out, almost losing the ball but he catches it in time, tucking it safely under his arm again, trying to go for a cool act. He blows away his fringe and offers his free hand towards the boy. "My name is Lee Jooheon and I'm a basketball player."

"Nice to meet you, Jooheon." The boy takes his hand and shakes it, quick and firm. "I'm Chae Hyungwon," the boy, Hyungwon, introduces himself, smile still in place, "I'm a basketball player as well."

"You're really good."

"Thank you." Hyungwon's smile falters, turning shy. "Do you want to play a one on one match?"

"Sure." Jooheon nods eagerly, tossing away his ball and throwing his school bag on the floor.

After two hours they lay on the floor, staring up at the sky, watching the clouds go by, silence settled around them. Jooheon has never had so much fun playing basketball. In school he constantly feels the pressure of his team mates and coach, urging him to do better without telling him _how_ , but this time it was different, it reminds him of the joy he felt during the nationals. He imagines that's what it's supposed to feel like.

"Can you teach me how to play as good as you?" he asks after some time, turning his head towards Hyungwon.

"Sure," Hyungwon replies, grin forming on his face. "But that will be a lot of work. You're kinda mediocre."

" _Shut up._ " Jooheon kicks the other boy's leg softly. "I bet you were just as bad in the beginning."

"Nope, my mom says I was born with a talent for it."

Jooheon laughs at that, missing the way Hyungwon brightens up at the sound.

"It's true, she says I probably already played in the womb," he further insists. "She says I moved around a lot."

* * *

 

When Jooheon is thirteen he is already in high school and he makes his school's team, getting a round of applause for his excellent style and precision. He feels incredibly proud and wants to tell Hyungwon all about it. It's not the first time he feels sad about the fact that they're not in the same school.

Hyungwon's parents sent their son to a private and prestige high school, one Hyungwon always complains about because everyone acts so entitled and rude, yet he seems to have made friends and even has a girlfriend. Jooheon wonders if his friend exaggerates the antics of his peers or if he simply is good at getting along with people he might not actually like.

The biggest change that year though isn't Hyungwon's girlfriend or Jooheon making the team. It comes in the form of a strange feeling creeping up on Jooheon more often than not those days. It's warm at first, it makes his heart beat wildly in his chest and his stomach squirm in a funny way. He doesn't pay much attention to it because it isn't constant and even when it _does_ appear it isn't strong enough to completely take over. It's rather in the back, _quiet_.

Something he strongly feels though is the bad mood he gets into these days whenever he meets up with Hyungwon to play basketball only to have Hyungwon's girlfriend show up as well, bringing them lunch and drinks and _snacks_. Jooheon really likes her, she is cool, funny. She is cute, petite, has big doe eyes, dimples. She is exactly Hyungwon's type. And she is one of the nicest people Jooheon has ever met.

 _But_.

But he can't help the ugly twist his mind gets when she reaches out to hold Hyungwon's hand when they enter the court; he can't help his snappy mood after she tiptoes to peck Hyungwon on his lips, giggling afterwards in a shy manner, her ears turning red. Jooheon doesn't understand it. He hates that he develops this unknown dislike towards her. It's unjustified.

The answer comes to him though, months after Hyungwon and her start dating. He sits in his school's yard, together with his team captain, Lee Minhyuk, and one of the team players, Son Hyunwoo. He rants about this confusing feeling that comes to him and he reassures that he in no way hates his best friend's girlfriend but he just _can't_ like her either.

"Perhaps you're jealous," Minhyuk interrupts him mid rant, cocking his head at him and squinting.

"What do you mean, _jealous_?"

"Like, jealous of her."

"Why would I be jealous of her, that doesn't make sense."

"It does if you're gay for him," Minhyuk says, wiggling his eyebrows.

" _What?_ " Jooheon chokes on his sandwich, perplexed at this idea.

How could he—? He wasn't— _Was he?_

"But I don't—I mean I—Huh?" He thinks back to all his interactions in the past months with Hyungwon and his girlfriend.

He thinks about this unidentified feeling of warmness that surrounds him, that lifts up his heart and he realizes it mostly only ever appears when Hyungwon was around, in imminent distance.

"Wait, _shit_ , are you having your internal, big gay realization right now?" Minhyuk asks, panicking as he takes in his friend's wide eyed expression. " _Shit_ , Hyunwoo, hey." He snaps his fingers in front of Hyunwoo's eyes who looks away from his phone's screen, blinking confusedly.

"What?" he asks finally, pocketing his phone away and giving his whole attention to Minhyuk.

"We are having a gay crisis," he explains pointing at Jooheon. "Well, _he_ is having it."

"You're gay Jooheon?" Hyunwoo asks, surprised, and raises his eyebrows.

"I think I am?" It comes out rather like a question than a statement.

"That's cool. Me and my boyfriend are as well."

"You have a _boyfriend?"_

"Yes, Kihyun, the trumpeter from the school's band," Hyunwoo explains, smiling softly.

 _"Yoo Kihyun_ is _gay?"_

Jooheon is going to faint or something, this is too much information to handle for him. His thoughts are running around wildly in his brain and every noise around him fades away into the distance, all he can hear are words and ideas forming in his head. He runs a hand through his black hair, pulling at it to get rid of whatever emotion is overcoming him, he doesn't like it. It's tearing at his heart, constricting his lungs, and he can feel a headache form.

_Shit._

He can't breathe properly and the tears form in his eyes, running down his cheeks, as he stares unblinking at the table in front of him. He doesn't register anything around him, he just stares and stares as he keeps pulling on his hair. Jooheon thinks of the way Hyungwon smiles, the sunlight hitting him, making his skin glister with the sweat that has formed on his forehead during their game, his eyes shining with warmth. He looks incredibly soft in this particular memory Jooheon's brain has conjured up.

He doesn't understand fully yet _what_ exactly his brain is trying to tell him but he knows _enough_. He knows all those other times a _boy_ caught his attention weren't accidents or coincidences.

He _gets_ it now.

 

At home he drops his bag by the entrance and rushes up to his room, neglecting all his duties and locking himself in his room. He draws all the curtains shut until darkness surrounds him, he feels sheltered and well hidden from the world outside. He needs it as he tries to figure out _what_ exactly he understood while he broke down in school. Right in this instant, hidden away in his room, he doesn't have to exist for the rest of the world, he doesn't have to be someone, he doesn't have to be Lee Jooheon. He simply is a boy that tries to figure out who he is. _What_ he is.

He sits on his bed and pulls up his laptop. He thinks and thinks about what to type in, what to look for. What does he even want to know? What does he want to understand? How does he even decide?

He swallows and types in the first words that come to his mind, the first words that feel right. Immediately millions of links pop up, articles, wikipedia definitions, YouTube videos... He clicks randomly on one of them, his heart beating wildly, as if it's going to jump out of his chest any moment now.

  

"I _wouldn't change anything about my_ life," the man on the screen says. " _I love being who I am, even if that means to endure the collective hate of our society in singular people some days. I'll take on all the hate so that one day kids can be who they are without being hurt or scared. To all people part of the LGBT community that struggle, please know that you are loved and that there's a place for you, perhaps not where you find yourself right now, but there_ is _,_ " the man gives an encouraging smile towards the camera, it's bright and hopeful, although a hint of sadness hides beneath it. Sadness at remembering how hard his own personal story was; sadness knowing that there are many other stories like his own.

" _Coming to terms with your sexuality can be hard, specially if you grew in a narrow minded and small town like I did, but_ fuck _. I wouldn't change_  any _part of my life. I don't regret coming out in high school, even if it was hell. Because all the pain I endured during those years, the bullying, the names I got called, the pushing around, the threats..._ All _of it. It felt small and insignificant when I attended my first pride event ever,_ " tears form in the eyes of the young woman and she apologizes hastily, wiping them away with the back of her hand, but despite the tears her smile is freeing.

" _I always asked myself, what's wrong with you? Why do you feel that way? Why can't you just be like the other_ _girls?_ " The man on screen lets out a dramatic sigh, he laughs but it's rather a private laugh, as if he remembers something, like an inside joke. " _But I realized, nothing's wrong with me. If anything, society is wrong. And I can be_ both _a man and still do traditionally feminine things. My advice to trans kids that struggle with their identity is to understand that the society we live in has very forced believes when it comes to gender roles. You don't have to fit inside those, no matter what gender you identify as. Just be yourself and do what you most feel comfortable with. At the end of the day it's_ your _life, not theirs._ "

" _My coming out story?_ " the person on screen laughs, rubbing her neck in a shy manner. " _After I told my dad I'm bisexual, he kept pointing at boys and girls and asked me if I found them attractive and if I wanted him to go over and ask if they were single and interested in me. He really tried to be my wingman. But my sixteen year old self was so_ embarrassed _by it. Years later, after hearing the stories of many others, I realized how lucky I am to have a dad like_ _him,_ " she smiles softly, it's clear how much she loves her father. " _S_ _pecially because I had a lucky experience coming out and having an accepting family, I think every LGBT person should have the right to come out and be_ wholly _accepted and loved._ Fuck _, I hope one day it'll be like that._ "

 

It's three in the morning when Jooheon finally presses the red _x_  at the top right of the YouTube tab he has open. He takes in a deep breath and closes the lid of his laptop, placing it on the floor next to his bed.

For the first time in his life he sort of understands what _freedom_ must feel like.

* * *

 

One of the biggest life changing moments for Jooheon happens when he is fourteen. He takes a decision, one that will alternate, change, and mold his future. It's a risk, dangerous, but it's his _only_ life. He thinks he'd regret not doing it. What's the point if he is not honest towards himself?

He knows it's paired with a million reasons as to why he shouldn't do it, why he should keep hiding, wait until he is older, wait until he dies and take it to his grave. But just as many reasons speak against it, double are the reasons that speak for it. Plus the way his heart hurts when he thinks about not revealing this crucial information about himself. It doesn't define him as a person but it _is_ a huge part, after all.

He knows it's dangerous. He is well aware, but that only further fuels his desire to out himself. Fully knowing how dangerous it is, he wants people to know. He wants them to know he _exists_ , he wants them to know he is there and that they can't do _anything_ about it. Even if he were to keep hiding, he still exists and that wouldn't lessen or invalidate his existence.

But for himself he wants to be open about it. Express who he is.

That morning he rummages through his closet and pulls out the shirt he bought the past week together with Hyunwoo and Kihyun. They took him to the gay district, showing him around, and getting lunch at a cute gay café. He bought the shirt impulsively, hoping he could wear it one day, not thinking that a week later he would actually pull through with this plan. He texted Kihyun and Hyunwoo about his plan the night before, they assured him that they'd be by his side if anyone tried to harm him. Minhyuk is the only one that doesn't know about the plan or that he is in fact _gay_ , but it's alright, Jooheon already knows that Minhyuk suspects it and will be more than supportive.

He dresses himself slowly, making sure he looks impeccable with his skinny jeans, his shirt tucked in neatly, the plaid shirt over it, unbuttoned so the _message_ is clear to see. He walks down the stairs, readying himself for his mother's reaction.

She greets at him with a cheerful smile. "Good morning, how did you sleep—" Her gaze zeros in at the colorful letters on his shirt. She halts in her movements.

Jooheon swallows hard, it's nerve wracking and he is sweating a whole ocean at this point.

"Honey." She puts aside her mug of coffee and approaches him.

She embraces him in a warm hug and Jooheon doesn't think he ever felt more relieved in his whole life. He feels the tears falling _freely_ down his cheeks.

 

It went well, better than Jooheon expected, and he even got some people to laugh at his shirt, not in a mocking way, but simply because they were endeared by his daring move, his choice to come out through a t-shirt. Although when he walks up the hill towards the basketball court, the nerves he felt that morning come crashing back, the sweat already falling down his back, and he feels as if he is suffocating. He swallows down the lump in his throat and opens the gate of the fence.

Hyungwon is already in the court, dressed in his school's dress pants and a white undershirt, his arms on full display, and Jooheon notices that there are some muscles developing there.

The lump in his throat only grows.

Hyungwon notices him and smiles brightly, but his smiles falters as he notices Jooheon fidgeting with the buttons of his shirt. He wants to tell his best friend but he is incredibly scared. He realizes he only knows Hyungwon in this small universe they have created for themselves.

_The basketball court._

Outside of it Hyungwon doesn't exactly exist to Jooheon. They never meet up, they don't text or call each other, mostly because Hyungwon's parents don't want their son to have such a device. Jooheon realizes for the first time that he doesn't really know Hyungwon that much and he is overwhelmed with the strong desire to _actually_ get to know this boy that he has called his best friend for the past four years.

"Are you okay?" Hyungwon asks, reaching out to rub Jooheon's shoulder softly. "You look pale."

"I'm fine, don't worry I just—" He swallows again, but it doesn't do much, the lump is still there and his mouth is drier than any desert. His hands shake as he drops his school bag on the floor. "Let's play."

"Okay."

An hour later Jooheon is sweating heavily and he motions at Hyungwon that he needs a break, to which the tall boy agrees. Jooheon slumps down on the floor next to his bag and unbuttons his shirt to take it off and stuff into his bag, he looks down at the colorful letters, now on full display.

 _I guess this is it_ , he thinks and looks over at Hyungwon who is chugging down a whole bottle of water in one go.

Jooheon's nerves have calmed down a bit, mostly due to his exhaustion, so he is ready for whatever is about to happen. He doesn't mind anymore. It'll be alright, it has to be.

He notices the exact moment Hyungwon reads the message on his shirt because suddenly the tall boy is choking on the water, dropping the almost empty bottle on the floor, its content spilling. He slaps his chest as he coughs into his hand.

Jooheon also notices the exact moment the world turns darker. Not only because a cloud passes in front of the sun, blocking its light and casting eery shadows around them, but because a larger shadow appears on Hyungwon's face, his eyes darkening and his jaw clenching.

Jooheon shivers at the sudden lack of warmth and his stomach drops.

Hyungwon's eyes snap up to his, the lack of emotion scares Jooheon. "Alright," the tall boy says, too loud in the quietness that seems to have settled around them.

Hyungwon bends down to pick up his bag, he kicks the bottle out of his way and walks towards the gate at the fence. He slams it shut behind him and Jooheon stares helplessly at his retreating figure.

 

He doesn't call it heartbreak because he wasn't in love but it _does_ feel as if something inside of him broke. His mood drops and his heart feels heavy, he is constantly on the brink of tears. His mother worries and asks if the kids bully him after he came out, but he reassures her it's nothing like that, besides he has got his friends who back him up and protect him.

He is _fine_.

At least on the outside but the storm that arises inside of him, it's everything _but_ fine. His thoughts whirl around in his head, making it hard for him to concentrate. The most negative thoughts and paths visit him during the night, flashing at the front of his mind, like a reminder.

It lasts for about a month until one day Minhyuk snaps, dragging him across their town after school to a small park. They sit on a rusty and abandoned swing set.

"Spill, what happened?" Minhyuk asks, directly.

_"Nothing."_

"Right, you've lost weight and your game has lost its usual strength." Minhyuk points out, worry thick in his voice. "You can trust me."

"I came out to my best friend, Hyungwon, and he—" Jooheon can't finish the sentence, it _hurts_.

"Oh." Minhyuk kicks the floor, dust flying up, he clenches his jaw. "Fuck him."

"I really thought I could—I thought he would be—I don't know, it was stupid of me to think he would be accepting."

"No, _he_ is the stupid one," Minhyuk assures him, kicking the floor once again, this time angrier. "He can be lucky _we_ don't know him because I would—"

" _Minhyuk_ , it's alright."

"No, it isn't. It never is. Homophobia is _not_ alright."

"I'm just being overdramatic, I'll be back to my usual self, just give me time," Jooheon says and tries to believe his own words.

"It's not overdramatic to be hurt by rejection. Even if he was just a friend, they can break your heart as well," Minhyuk starts saying, his gaze fixed at the trees in the distance, he wears a faraway look, sadness surrounding him. Jooheon wonders what his friend has gone through himself. "We underestimate the bond in between friends. Although you two weren't dating or involved in anyway romantically, it doesn't change the fact that he _broke your heart_ by rejecting you. It's not okay, it never will be." Minhyuk worries his bottom lip and turns his gaze towards Jooheon, he smiles then. "You have me. Kihyun and Hyunwoo as well. Fuck this Hyungwon, he doesn't deserve you."

Jooheon can feel the tears rolling down his cheeks.

"I don't know what exactly you must be feeling but remember that there is _nothing_ wrong with you. It's on Hyungwon, he is the one in the wrong. He is the one that has to change, not you. Remember that, Jooheon."

Jooheon is fourteen when he learns that friends can break hearts too. 

* * *

 

At sixteen Jooheon meets Im Changkyun. Who is younger than him and has a rather small frame, but his personality over shines everyone. Changkyun has black hair, wears ripped skinny jeans and leather jackets, a dimpled smile (perhaps not as much as Jooheon's but it's incredibly cute) adorning his face, and he is one of the funniest people Jooheon knows.

They met one night when Kihyun and Hyunwoo sneaked Jooheon into a gay bar so that he could have his first proper clubbing experience, in a moderately safe environment while they watched over him and made sure no old creep tried to take advantage of him. Jooheon didn't get piss drunk, only to the point that he turned giggly and overly affectionate, hugging both Kihyun and Hyunwoo tightly and professing his love for them and how much they've helped him coming to terms with who he is. At some point they introduced him to Changkyun, recognizing him from their high school. Jooheon and Changkyun click instantly, bonding over their shared interest in music.

The next morning Jooheon woke up with his first hangover but it was bearable as he spotted Changkyun's scribbled phone number on the back of his hand. It was almost unreadable, some numbers blurry but the next day at school he recognizes Changkyun and walks up to him, to ask for his phone number properly.

Two weeks later they start dating. It's everything Jooheon ever hoped for when he imagined finally having a boyfriend, holding his hand in public to piss off homophobes, all while knowing that Changkyun has his back if anything goes wrong; pecking him on his lips innocently in school, fully aware of the stares they get, but it is alright because it _isn't_  wrong. He knows that now.

Three months later they break up, simply because Changkyun has to move away to America, and they decide to stay friends rather than long distance boyfriends. It's a mutual agreement and Jooheon finds himself being okay with it. It hurt in the beginning but after some weeks he is alright again, he'll never forget their short time together.

He got to learn what it is to completely be himself and embrace his sexuality. To be unapologetically himself. That _feeling_ , he'll never forget it, he is incredibly thankful for Changkyun.

  

After a long night out with Kihyun, Hyunwoo, and Minhyuk club jumping, he finds himself walking up the small hill towards the basketball court. He isn't sure what exactly pulls him there this particular night as he barely ever goes there anymore. Only on rare occasions to watch the sunsets or the stars when he feels nostalgic. He doesn't go there anymore to play basketball or to hang out, it's too painful as it all reminds him of Hyungwon.

Minhyuk often asks him why they don't go practice at this basketball court as their school's closes at five in the afternoon, but Jooheon insists that it isn't in good conditions. Making up all sorts of excuses to avoid it. But this night he feels the pull in his heart to sit up there and look at the immense sky above him, count the stars. Like he used to do with Hyungwon when they played until late and were too exhausted to directly head home, needing a small break.

Once he stands at the gate by the fence he notices a tall and lanky figure moving around in the court. For a moment he thinks perhaps it's the alcohol buzzing through his body or the fact that he has been thinking about Hyungwon, and he is imagining the boy dribbling the ball in front him, dashing from one side to the other, sure on his feet. It's dark and the light coming from the street lamps is too dim to fully recognize who the boy is but Jooheon knows anyway. He'd recognize that face anywhere, no matter how dark it was. Besides he is way _too_ familiar with Hyungwon's playing style, the way he moves around and throws the ball. He watches from the fence and notices how much better Hyungwon has gotten over the past two years. Jooheon thought perhaps Hyungwon had forgotten about the court and basketball, for some reason, so it hits him with full force seeing his old best friend playing there as if nothing had happened.

As if nothing _had_   _changed_.

The thought is comforting for about five seconds until he remembers his last interaction with Hyungwon and the familiar sadness settles deep in his bones, bile rising in his stomach, except that this time there's an underlining anger that spreads over his body and mind. _Rage_. He doesn't know what overcomes him as he steps forward, walking towards Hyungwon decidedly, his fist clenched.

He doesn't know _what_ he is feeling currently but he needs to let it out.

Hyungwon stops playing once he notices he isn't alone in the court. He looks up and once he recognizes who it is that is there with him, he drops the ball, it bounces four times before it rolls away.

"Jooheon?" he asks surprised, his eyes widening slightly, taking in Jooheon's appearance. He swallows but doesn't look away.

In the yellowish light coming from the street lamps he looks beautiful and Jooheon hates that.

Hyungwon's surprised expression doesn't last long as Jooheon swings his clenched fist and punches Hyungwon square in his jaw, the force of the hit making the tall boy stumble backwards, tripping over his feet and falling on his ass. He groans at the pain that shoots through his body, rubbing his jaw as he stares at Jooheon's black boots.

"You fucking _asshole_ ," Jooheon spits out, rage still running through his body but he feels better after punching him. "You homophobic piece of shit. Do you know how fucking hurt I was? Do you—"

"Is that why you just punched me? Because I disagree with your choice of—"

"It's _not_ a choice, you—" Jooheon breathes in sharply, clenching his jaw as he fixes Hyungwon with a glare, hoping his hatred and disappointment is visible. He can't believe this. "The only _choice_ I made here is to come out, to embrace who I am instead of hiding it. Hiding it from ignorant and ugly people. Like _you_."

"You think I'm _ignorant_?" Hyungwon asks, spitting out blood, and looks back at Jooheon with the same amount of heat behind his glare. He stands up, towering now over the smaller boy but it doesn't intimidate Jooheon. "You think I'm _ugly_?"

Jooheon takes in a deep breath, preparing to let out all of his frustration, to stand up for himself and show all he has learnt in the past two years about what it means to be himself, how liberated and much better he feels, despite the fact Hyungwon walked out of his life like that, without looking back. But before he can even open his mouth Hyungwon steps forward pushing him back, anger radiating off of him, matching Jooheon's own anger. He doesn't exactly understand _why_ Hyungwon is angry; what for? It was his choice to simply walk away that day, it was his choice to be homophobic and unaccepting.

"You _fucking_ —I'm pretty sure you had a crush on me, huh? Maybe you still have one—" Hyungwon taunts him, his voice teasing, but not in the same way he used to tease him when they were younger and he would say that Jooheon was too small and needed to grow some more to be able to score more points. This time his voice is filled with aggressiveness and a mocking tone, it makes Jooheon's stomach twist unpleasantly, despair and hurt swelling up.

He can't believe _this_ _boy_ used to be his best friend.

"Fuck you. I didn't have _crush_ on you, you were my best friend." Jooheon's rage is almost overwhelming him, he feels the strong urge to cry but he holds himself back, tries his best to channel all his emotions towards yelling at Hyungwon. "I thought I could _trust_ you. But turns out you are just as shitty as those fucking homophobes from school that are full of hate and misery and-"

Hyungwon pushes him once again, this time without saying anything but Jooheon catches a glimpse of hurt in the boy's eyes, as if this external image of anger and rage is just a wall. _An act_. Something he is hiding behind. But before Jooheon can further understand Hyungwon's emotions, the tall boy brushes past him and walks away.

"Sure, just walk away. Like you did back then," he shouts after the retreating figure. He doesn't miss the way Hyungwon flinches, stumbling in his steps but never stopping. The scene is painfully familiar. "Fucking _coward_ ," Jooheon mutters to himself.

He notices then how much his knuckles hurt and he looks at them, they are swollen but he can move them, they don't seem to be broken. He doesn't regret the punch, he feels good about it. Satisfied.

But as the rage slowly ebbs away so does the ecstatic feeling of having let out all his emotions, his anger. And he feels incredibly _empty_.

* * *

 

At seventeen Jooheon is alone in high school and starting his last year, his friends have graduated, but it's alright. He is strong now, he knows what he wants in life, he knows _who_ he is. Besides he gets to see Kihyun after school a lot as his friend decided to take a gap year and works in a music shop in their town. Minhyuk and Hyunwoo come over during the weekends and they all hang out like they did before, hitting up clubs, playing basketball, talking about their futures.

It's decided for Jooheon that he wants to follow his dream to become a musician, it's been something that has been accompanying him since he was a child, just like basketball, except that he has a natural talent for music. Basketball has become more of a hobby than something he wants to strive after once he is out of school.

Jooheon's life is going well, he is exceeding in school; he is the team captain, leading it to a successful career; he has gotten the attention of a label that is interested in adding him to their team as a trainee once he is done with high school.

But when he reads the name of the school they play against the next weekend the blood in his veins freezes and he feels familiar claws rise up, tearing at his heart. It's the school Hyungwon's in, which means he will have to play against him. He trains specially hard that week, pushing his team and himself too much but the thought of losing against Hyungwon is worse than the burning ache in his muscles.

When the weekend of the big game arrives Jooheon isn't sure _how_ to feel once he discovers that apparently Hyungwon isn't on the team anymore and when he asks the captain about the player Chae Hyungwon, the captain frowns and his expression darkens.

"I don't know _how_ you know him but I hope you have distanced yourself from him," the boy says, tone hard.

The captain extends his hand for Jooheon to shake so the game can start. He doesn't know if he imagines it or not but it feels as if the captain is slightly more hostile towards him after he asked about Hyungwon and for the first time Jooheon wonders if perhaps there was something he missed, a big piece to an even bigger puzzle that he wasn't aware existed.

He tries to concentrate on the game but in the back of his mind there are nagging questions forming, panic rising together with them; where is Hyungwon? Why did he drop out of the team? Was he _kicked_ out? Why did he look so hurt and small during their fight almost a year ago? Who _exactly_ is Chae Hyungwon even?

For the second time Jooheon realizes that he never actually knew much about Hyungwon and he worries. He hates that he worries, after all Hyungwon walked away.

 _He_ walked away.

 

The celebration party is big and noisy, Minhyuk's laugh echoes in the filled room. Everyone is in a good mood but Jooheon still feels off, he can't shake off the feeling that creeped up on him before. And it worsens when he notices he is being called by an unknown number.

Jooheon excuses himself, saying he needs some fresh air, and walks out of the house the party is hosted at. The cold January air hits him and he regrets not bringing his hoodie with him. He stares at the number and lets out a long sigh before he picks up.

"Hello?" he asks, trying to sound less scared than he feels.

" _Hi, is this Lee Jooheon?_ " The voice on the other end asks, it's a boy going by it, most likely around his age.

"Yes, that's me. Who are you?"

" _My name is Shin Hoseok and I'm a friend of Chae Hyungwon._ "

Jooheon shivers, his vision blurry around the edges. Shit, he shouldn't have drunken that last beer. He can't utter out any words, just breathes into the line.

" _You're listed as Hyungwon's emergency contact,_ " Hoseok says. " _It's been four weeks since he—I don't know_ how _much you know or_ who _exactly you are to him but he is_ not _okay._ "

"I haven't seen him in ten months," Jooheon admits, voice raspy. He is shaking violently, the cold only making it worse. "What happened?"

" _He ran away from home and came to live with me. Today he finally unlocked the door to his room. He is showering right now,_ " Hoseok explains, his voice oddly calm compared to how shaken Jooheon feels. " _He has three whole numbers on his phone and I tried to figure out_ what _exactly happened. I figured as you're his emergency contact you could help me but I guess—_ "

"He— _what?_ "

" _I—I think we should meet up in person. He needs help and I don't think I can do much._ "

"How does he even have my number? I never gave it to him. We—Hyungwon and I haven't been exactly _friends_ for the past three years," Jooheon says, trying to calm himself down and make sense of the words Hoseok is saying.

" _Really?_ _That's odd. He has talked about you a lot._ " The confusion in Hoseok's voice matches Jooheon's own confusion. " _You_ are _Lee Jooheon, right? The boy from the basketball court?_ "

"Yes, but he—I came out to him when I was fourteen and he—" Jooheon can feel the anger well up again, mixing with the confusion. "He fucking _walked_ away. Just like that. I don't particularly like to surround myself with homophobic people."

" _What?!_ " Hoseok sounds shocked, Jooheon laughs bitterly. " _That doesn't make sense, he—_ " Hoseok stops abruptly and there's a second voice, in the background, asking what Hoseok is doing, and Jooheon realizes _that's_ Hyungwon.

He doesn't know why but his heart rate picks up and he feels dizzy, the coldness around him intensifying, making him shake harder. He breathes down the line, pressing the phone to his ear so he can hear that voice a bit better, clearer.

" _Jooheon?_ "

He keeps breathing, unable to reply. 

" _Jooheon?_ " Hyungwon asks again, his voice is shaky and it sounds incredibly tired. " _I'm sorry._ "

The line goes dead but Jooheon doesn't move, he keeps sanding in the garden in the middle of this cold January night, phone still pressed to his ear, breathing unevenly, staring into the distance. He doesn't register anything around him, not even the thick snowflakes that start falling from the sky.

 _I'm sorry._ It echoes in his mind, Hyungwon's tone ringing in his ears.

_I'm sorry._

   

Two weeks later Jooheon walks up to an apartment building located in the poorer part of their town, what his parents would call the _dangerous_ neighborhood, because the people don't have money and that apparently makes them dangerous. Jooheon braces himself as he walks up to the number 105, he studies the names until he finds the one he is looking for. _Shin_. Next to it is stuck a small piece of paper that reads _Chae_ in neat hand writing. His heart stutters in his chest.

He doesn't know what to expect of this. What he will face. What he will see. And most importantly he doesn't know _what_ to feel. He let Minhyuk in on it, choosing not to worry Hyunwoo as he is busy with exams, and Kihyun developed a strong hate towards Hyungwon after he discovered their story. At first Minhyuk was against Jooheon going up to Hoseok's flat to talk about the situation and reencounter Hyungwon, but after talking for hours, covering up every pro and con, he finally decided that perhaps it wouldn't be _as_ bad. Minhyuk agreed that maybe there was a hidden picture, a part to Hyungwon's life that they weren't aware of.

Jooheon presses the button, it emits a buzzing sound and after some seconds a sleepy voice comes through the speaker.

" _Hello, who is this?_ " Hyungwon asks and Jooheon can feel the panic rising in his chest. He really is doing this.

"Hey, it's Jooheon," he replies, his voice coming out stronger than he feels.

" _Oh._ " It's a small sound, not even a word, yet it radiates a bundle of emotions that Jooheon can't put a name to but he feels them as well. " _I—um, I forgot you were coming by. Uh, I'll let you in but Hoseok isn't here yet, I—The flat is a bit of a mess and-_ "

"It's okay, Hyungwon," he interrupts the ramblings of the boy.

" _Okay._ "

The door buzzes and it unlocks, letting Jooheon in. He pushes it open with his shoulder, once inside he readies himself, flinching when the door slams shut behind him. The entrance hallway is dark and he looks up at the countless of stairs. He's here already, there's no point in delaying what's unavoidable. With a sigh he makes his way up the stairs, he counts his steps to distract his mind and calm himself down.

One hundred and thirty-two steps later he stands in front of Hyungwon.

To say he is taken aback is an understatement. He is _shocked_ and can feel an incredible intense sadness overcome him. Hyungwon has dirty blond hair, undoubtedly dyed, it's long, he has gotten taller but is incredibly skinny, as if he hasn't eaten well. Jooheon thinks back to his phone conversation with Hoseok and he wonders for _how_ long exactly Hyungwon locked himself into his room, away from everything. _What happened?_ He can't shake off the nagging worry at the back of his mind, all of his alarm bells going off.

Whatever happened to Hyungwon it must have been  _fucked_ up. Jooheon runs his eyes across the boy's face and the more he stares the more he _notices_ things. He notices Hyungwon's swollen lips, they're dry and he sees two small cuts; he notices the dark spot on Hyungwon's cheek, it looks as if he was punched; he notices another bruise on the boy's jaw. But mostly he notices how tired Hyungwon looks. Not just tired like someone would be if they haven't slept properly but rather he looks tired about life.

He swallows down the lump that has been forming in his throat, his mouth incredibly dry.

"I should probably let you inside." Hyungwon steps aside.

Once Jooheon is inside he stands awkwardly in the living room, taking in the flat. There's an old couch, a small wooden table in front of it where a laptop lays on, it's open but the screen is black and dusty. Jooheon sees part of the kitchen where a table is with four white plastic chairs. There's a hallway with three closed doors.

"Do you want a cup of tea or something?" Hyungwon asks as he strides inside the kitchen, looking back over his shoulder at Jooheon.

"Yeah, tea is fine, thank you." Jooheon follows him and sits down on one of the plastic chairs.

There's a cat calendar pinned to the fridge and a big piece of paper that reads, _you matter_ in rainbow colors. He waits as Hyungwon prepares two cups of tea, filling the water boiler, opening and closing cupboards. Jooheon feels so weird and out of place, maybe it's because he finds himself in a setting that he never imagined to be in with Hyungwon, as usually it was always just them at the basketball court.

Ten minutes later Hyungwon joins him at the table, two cups of scalding hot tea in front of them.

"So you have been living with Hoseok?" Jooheon starts hesitantly, unsure of what to even talk about.

"Yes, for the past month, but before that I often crashed at his place when things at home got too much," Hyungwon explains, just as hesitant and unsure.

"Oh." Jooheon frowns. From what he remembered Hyungwon's parents always seemed to be supportive of their son. "If I can ask, what happened?"

There's no point in beating around the bush, it's obvious _something_ happened that prompted all of this, if not Jooheon wouldn't be sitting there.

Hyungwon lets out a humorless laugh. "Where do I even begin?" He sips his tea, looking out of the small, dusty window, a cactus placed the windowsill. "Things with my parents went to shit and I ran away, dropped out of school, and lived here and there for a couple of months. One day I got really fucking drunk and Hoseok—He works at the _Wonderbar_ , I knew him from before as I often went there to—"

"Wait, the _Wonderbar_ , that's—" Jooheon stares at Hyungwon trying to understand but all he can remember is Hyungwon's retreating back after he came out to him. "You've been hanging out at a _gay_ bar?"

Hyungwon returns his gaze, he looks guilty. "Yeah, I have."

" _What?_ "

"It's a long story. But basically last month I broke down and spilled my whole story to Hoseok. He told me to come live with him as I had _nowhere_ to go," Hyungwon explains, but it doesn't answer anything. Jooheon's mind is filled with questions.

"I am so lost right now."

"As I am."

"When did you leave your parents house?"

"Like almost a year ago but I lived with this guy I knew for some time until he kicked me out when he discovered I frequent the gay district. After that I sorta lived on the streets up until Hoseok took me in."

A year ago? A _year_ ago, that is around the time they met in the basketball court and fought. Does that mean Hyungwon was already—? Jooheon feels sick to his stomach, he wants to learn and understand but there seems to be so much to unravel and discover.

"What do you mean you frequented the gay district?" he asks, the answer should be obvious but he wants to hear it from Hyungwon's lips.

Hyungwon cocks his head at him, smiling but it doesn't reach his eyes. "Isn't that obvious? I'm gay. Or bisexual. Or whatever. Doesn't matter in the end, I'm a disgrace to my family and school and I don't have a future."

"You're—You're _gay_? You—" Jooheon tries to grasp and understand this but it's so hard when he keeps thinking back to that day, when he suffered all these years by the memory of Hyungwon rejecting him and despising him for _being_ gay, only to—

"Yeah, big news." Hyungwon tries to go for a smile but upon taking in Jooheon's expression he drops the smile and his face turns serious. "I'm sorry, you know, for walking away that day. I _really_ am," he says then, his voice is barely audible and it sounds sincere but broken at the same time.

A million thoughts and words rush through Jooheon's minds, there's _so_ much he could say, do in this instant but he pushes all of it away and focuses on the boy in front of him. He takes in the appearance of him and the small details about Hyungwon's life that he has gotten to know over the past couple of minutes.

"I'm sorry about punching you," he chooses to say, he realizes he actually _does_ feel sorry.

"I deserved it."

"You didn't." Jooheon reaches out his hand to—To _what?_ Awkwardly pat Hyungwon's shoulder? He retreats his hand and takes a sip of his tea. "When Hoseok called, two weeks ago, I was at this party. We were celebrating our victory over your school's team."

"You beat those fuckers?" Hyungwon laughs, it's genuine.

"Yeah, we did." Jooheon smiles at the sight, it reminds him of before.

"So you still play basketball, huh?"

"I do but once I'm done with school I plan to quit. It's been fun but it's not what I want to do in life."

"I get that, I quit three yeas ago."

That surprises Jooheon. "Why?"

"Because I realized I only really liked playing with you."

"Oh." He is speechless and a fuzzy, warm feeling fills him. Maybe it's because of the tea, he takes another sip, savoring it on his tongue.  _Cinnamon_.

He doesn't know what else to reply or what to talk about anymore as that statement throws him off.

 

When Jooheon walks home that night he feels as if the whole world has changed, _shifted_. A thin layer of snow lays on the pavement, the street lamps tinging everything in a yellowish light. There aren't cars passing by, at least not down the road he walks, only in the distance, and due to the snow they sound muffled. Jooheon walks alone.

He thinks about Hyungwon and all he has learnt about the boy. He realizes he really didn't know him at all throughout their friendship and even after their friendship was over, he never knew what Hyungwon was going through. He feels slightly guilty for stamping him away under a label, filled with anger and hurt and betrayal, when Hyungwon was going through so much himself, living in a nightmare.

He is glad for this second chance the universe seems to give him because this time he wants to get to know Hyungwon. 

He stops in his tracks and stares up at the sky, it's dark and cloudy but Jooheon feels the immensity of it. He understands now that things aren't always what they seem.

* * *

 

With eighteen Jooheon moves into his first flat, he shares it with Minhyuk and it's small, a bit dirty and maybe not in the best conditions, but he wouldn't change it for anything. He starts university soon and he signed off his deal with the music label to become a musician.

Of course that path is still not set and has not really a _future_ but it's something and he wants it. At university he applied to music production, it's the same place Hyunwoo studies dance, and Kihyun applied to this year too to study photography. It's nice sharing his lunch breaks with his friends again, he has missed them. Minhyuk studies business in another university but they all hang out regularly. Only that now they have adopted Hyungwon into their small circle.

Hyungwon is back to his black natural hair color, he has put on some weight, and he doesn't look as tired. He applied to several jobs and to a school to be able to graduate next year so he can get a chance to study as well. He is doing better at coming to terms with himself and who he is. But Jooheon knows there's a long way ahead until Hyungwon can completely let go of his past demons.

Life in the big city isn't all that different from what Jooheon imagined. Of course his whole ambience is changed, but the people around him are the same. His insecurities stay the same, his favorite food is the same as before, he still gets up specially early in the morning so he can have a mug of coffee by himself while he listens to the radio and contemplates life.

It's the same but _isn't_.

It's a strange feeling to explain.

Jooheon is eighteen and things are incredibly different but he is the same.

 

The busy underground train is one of the things he probably hates and loves the most about living in the city. For example he hates how squeezed in he feels this instant, someone's elbow in his side, and the smell of sweat surrounding him. But he likes seeing all these people heading somewhere, he wonders what life they lead, who they are, what story they have to tell.

His own story is that he is on his way to pick Hyungwon up from his afternoon classes, they are going to get food and maybe hit up a night club. It's Friday and both have free the next day, it's the perfect occasion. But Hyungwon hasn't been out to drink for months, choosing to stay away from alcohol and the likes as they pulled him into a hole.

Jooheon remembers at the beginning of the year when he more often visited Hoseok's flat to hang out with Hyungwon, talk to him, get to know him. And to his horror he discovered that Hyungwon smoked (he doesn't anymore, gave it up before they moved to the city) but it was not a nice view. To this day Jooheon doesn't know why Hyungwon did it or why used to drink himself to sleep. It's something they haven't talked about, there's a lot they haven't talked about yet. But they will, Jooheon is sure of it.

Right now they are somewhere in an awkward phase of their friendship. It isn't quite as easy as before but it holds way more meaning than it did when they first met.

Jooheon walks up the road that leads him to the school, he spots Hyungwon standing outside the building, staring up at the sky with a faraway look on his face. Jooheon stumbles in his steps as he takes in the sight, from the elegant way Hyungwon is dressed, despite that the clothes come from a thrift shop around the corner from his flat, the gentleness in which he holds himself, the softness that lays in his eyes (rarely on display as he always seems to hold back). Jooheon feels his chest tighten but he keeps walking until he stands in front of Hyungwon.

"Hey," he says, breathless, as if he ran a marathon.

"I miss the stars," Hyungwon only says, not looking down, his gaze fixed on the starless sky above.

Jooheon looks up as well and he thinks of the basketball court and how endless the sky always seemed from there, as if anything was possible.

"I miss them too."

"After I walked away that day I often went up there in the middle of the night to stare at the sky and I'd pretend you're there with me, telling you all the things I was too scared to actually say," Hyungwon then confesses, turning his eyes on him and there's something in them that makes Jooheon's heart hurt.

"I am here now, you could tell me."

"Perhaps one day." Hyungwon smiles and Jooheon returns it but there is a— _something_ hanging in the air between them.

 _Something_ that has been there for a while now, ever since they reunited, that Jooheon can't put a name to. Or maybe he is too scared to name it because he isn't ready to fully open that box. He knows there was always this invisible line when it comes to his friendship with Hyungwon, he doesn't know where that line came from and if he maybe put it there himself, but these days it's getting blurrier.

"How were your classes?" Hyungwon asks as they start walking to the place they're getting food at.

"Good, like always, I guess. How were yours?"

"Easy. Most topics we learn I already know."

"Do you already know what you want to study next year?"

"No," Hyungwon says with a sigh, "I was thinking going into dance, like Hyunwoo. But social studies interest me as well. Another option would be to just _not_ study, you know?"

"But you're smart, don't throw that away."

"Thank you but I'm not sure I want to study, actually. There are many other things I could do, without a degree."

"I guess," Jooheon agrees but he hopes Hyungwon really means that and isn't using it as an excuse to go down the self loathing road again, where he thinks he isn't good enough to study or do something out of his life. "But at least look into the programs the universities offer."

"I will," Hyungwon assures him, he hesitates before he continues. "There's this shelter for homeless queer kids that Kihyun and I went to a couple of days ago to donate clothes," he starts telling, Jooheon gives him a curious glance. He didn't know Kihyun and Hyungwon got closer. "They are looking for people to work there and help these kids come to terms with—Well, with who they are. This place offers a sort of degree in children and teenager psychology paired with practical work," Hyungwon continues, quietly as if he isn't all that sure about his words. "I was thinking perhaps _I_ could apply there next year to—I mean these kids they—I'm not saying my story is similar to theirs but I think..." he trails off, unsure and stumbling over his words.

Jooheon has noticed that it still seems difficult for Hyungwon to talk about his past, about his experience, about his sexuality.

"I understand," he says, reaching out to pat Hyungwon's shoulder but he holds back, dropping his arm by his side.

"Do you?"

The question confuses Jooheon and he looks up at Hyungwon, who has a stern look on his face.

"I mean, well I—I understand why you want to do this."

"Sorry, it's just—I recently bonded with Kihyun over our shared experiences and I realized I was incredibly jealous over your courage and how easy it was for you," Hyungwon confesses, stopping in his steps.

Jooheon stops walking as well. " _Easy?_ " he chokes out, not wanting to believe his ears. "It wasn't fucking _easy_. I get that maybe my parents were accepting about it, that my friends were supportive, but it wasn't _easy_ ," Jooheon almost shouts, anger creeping up on him. "I get that you went through a lot of shit but fuck, how can you think that it's easy. It was the most nerve wracking experience of my life, to come out. And are you forgetting that you just fucking walked away."

Hyungwon blinks at him, guilt washing over his face. "I'm sorry about that."

"I know, _I know._ " He runs a hand through his dyed blonde hair, messing up his hair style in the process. "Can we not talk about this in the middle of the street."

"Yeah."

"Only because I had it easier when it comes to people around me being accepting it doesn't—This isn't a competition to see who had it harder. In the end we're all in the same boat."

Hyungwon lets out a long sigh. "Sorry, I guess part of me is still jealous that you—" He doesn't finish the sentence, instead choosing to start walking again.

Jooheon wishes Hyungwon would stop being so God damn ominous about his feelings and thoughts.

 

One afternoon Jooheon hangs out in his flat, Kihyun busying himself in the kitchen, cooking up some meal. They're all meeting in Minhyuk and Jooheon's flat later for a movie marathon. But for the next few hours it's just the two of them. There's a nagging thought in the back of Jooheon's head, it's small and not all that relevant but it's something he couldn't let go of ever since his conversation with Hyungwon a couple of weeks ago.

"Kihyun?" he calls out, his friend half turning, pan in one hand and shaking it softly to avoid the vegetables getting burned. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"How—How did you and Hyunwoo start dating?"

Kihyun freezes in his movements and drops the frying pan, its contents don't spill, thankfully, but if he doesn't turn off the stove they'll burn. It doesn't seem as if Kihyun is aware of that, his eyes are wide and he stares blankly at the kitchen counter. Jooheon regrets the question now, he stands up quickly to remove the pan from the fire and turns off the stove, softly grabbing Kihyun's arm.

"You don't have to tell me, it's just—I don't know, I got curious, sorry."

Kihyun blinks repeatedly, as if he is fighting off tears, and shakes his head.

"It's fine," he says, voice thin. "I just wasn't _expecting_ that question, that's all." He stares at the frying pan, with a sigh he fires up the stove again and continues the cooking.

At first Jooheon thinks he will ignore the question but then he understands that Kihyun needs to be doing something while he tells the story, his hands seem to shake now and his voice is weak, but something about the way he stands and holds himself in that moment makes him seem bigger, somehow.

"I met Hyunwoo when I was seven, at some camp my parents sent me to," he starts his story. "I was such a spoiled kid, you know? Hyunwoo wasn't, his family was poor and his parents saved up so much money to even be able to pay for the camp. When I was ten the TV was on and I was watching it after school, skipping through the channels. I stopped because on one channel there were all these colorful flags and people celebrating, I loved the way it looked, the feeling it gave off." He laughs bitterly, his expression turning dark. "My dad walked in then, he was outraged and hit me on my head. Breaking the TV's screen after he threw a vase at it." Kihyun pauses, staring at the vegetables sizzling away in the pan. "When I was thirteen I walked through the city, trying to avoid home. I ended up in the gay district by accident. It so happens that a pride parade was happening. I remembered the colorful flags from TV and I got scared, paranoid that my dad would come. But in the midst of it I found Hyunwoo. He waved me over, to come join him and Minhyuk."

There's a long silence after that in which Jooheon takes in the information. He didn't know, he never would have guessed that Kihyun came from a not so accepting family when he was so _unapologetically_ gay, prideful in who he is. Always cheerful and giving hope. Jooheon remembers how much Kihyun had helped him figuring himself out, for him Kihyun was like a _gay mentor_ or something. The fact that he went through such a difficult time himself when he was younger, having to deal with a homophobic father, with a non welcoming environment...

"I'm sorry," Jooheon can only say.

"What for? It's not your fault my parents weren't accepting," Kihyun says. "When I was fourteen I got kicked out; went to live with Hyunwoo as his brother moved out around that time and his parents had a free room. They were more than welcoming," he smiles softly, lost in thought. "I guess around that time we started dating, we took it slow because to me it was new. Coming to terms with myself and all of that was difficult."

Jooheon stares at his friend's back and thinks about his own story. The risks he took and how different the outcome could have been, how different his whole story could have gone. He realizes that although coming out was nerve wracking and scary to him, his sacrifice wasn't as big as the one Kihyun had to give. Or Hyungwon. He comes to terms with the fact that he has had a huge advantage all this time that he wasn't even aware of but now that he realizes. He feels this uglier part of him settle down. This part of him that constantly tried to fight everyone off, that tried to justify his hate and anger.

Jooheon is eighteen when he finally lets go of whatever bitterness laid with him all these years after Hyungwon walked away, the image of his friend's retreating back fading away.

Jooheon is eighteen when he allows his heart to be open again.

* * *

 

Jooheon is twenty when he has a mental breakdown. Compared to this one his previous ones seem small and insignificant.

He is stressed about his future, about _who_ he is, about what he even is going to do if the whole music thing goes down the river. Where is he going?

He questions his whole life, his personality, his thoughts. He realizes how much he has changed and morphed in the past years but he doesn't really know who he is. It's an odd thing to explain because of course he knows himself and knows the outskirts of his own persona, but there's this deeper and bigger definition of himself that he doesn't know of.

Is he a cheerful or a bitter person? Does he get jealous easily? Does he fall in love easily? Is he a loyal friend?

He knows he is Lee Jooheon, but _who is Lee Jooheon?_

He thinks twenty is a bit young to be having an identity crisis.

He wants to understand himself better but he doesn't know where to begin or how to even formulate these questions that come crashing to him in the depths of the night, giving him a restless couple of hours of sleep, that invade his mind when he first opens his eyes early in the morning. His mind is a constant loop of insecurities and questions that he doesn't know how to answer.

He tries to ask for help, explaining his feelings to Minhyuk but it only ends with the two of them sitting on their couch staring blankly out of the window, quietly questioning their existences together.

 

It's late, around 1am, but he can't leave the library yet, he has to finish this track for his class. It's finals season so he has one hour before the library closes down, around him all the other students stress over whatever works they have to finish. The air is filled with the smell of coffee and the sweetness of Redbull. Combined it's not pleasant but Jooheon can't allow himself to be picky and go somewhere else because there are construction works in his apartment building and their electricity is cut off for a couple of days. Besides he is almost done, he only needs to find the last element for the chorus of the song he is working on, to make it stand out and match the rawness and emotion filled lyrics. But he has tried several things and none of them _work_ for him.

To him the song sounds incredibly underwhelming. How is he even supposed to be a musician if he can't get _this_ right?

He runs a hand through his hair, his fringe falling in front of his eyes, bothering him, and he pushes it back, placing his snapback on it.

He is interrupted when someone places a steaming cup of tea on the table he is working at, Jooheon rolls his eyes and is about to tell whomever it is to fuck off as there are dozens of other tables this person could sit at, but when he looks up to do so he closes his mouth. Hyungwon looks sleepy, but he gives him a smile anyway. He is dressed in jogging pants and an oversized hoodie, the hood pulled over his head. He looks incredibly _soft_.

"Thanks," Jooheon says, grabbing the cup of tea. It's the same one he drank all those years ago in Hoseok's flat. Cinnamon. He smiles. "What brings you here?"

"I was on a walk and happened to walk by your building, so I decided to go to the nearest and opened coffee shop to get you something," Hyungwon explains, sitting down in the chair across Jooheon, sprawling out and resting his head on the cool surface, staring up at Jooheon. "And by the looks of it you need it. You seem stressed."

"I _am_ stressed." Jooheon takes a sip of the tea and stares at his unfinished track. "I don't know how to make this sound like it feels. Something is missing from it and I hate that."

"Can I listen to it?"

Jooheon hesitates, he hates people listening to his unfinished songs or to the songs he deems unworthy, but this is Hyungwon.

Hyungwon who he has known for ten years now; Hyungwon who has been through so much and yet he is the softest person Jooheon knows; Hyungwon who always hyped Jooheon up when he felt like his basketball skills weren't enough to make his high school's team; Hyungwon who bought Jooheon a signed basket ball by his favorite player after he told him he made the team; Hyungwon who, despite his mistakes and wrong doings, came back into Jooheon's life apologizing for his mistakes and explaining his reasons; Hyungwon who unknowingly carved himself a home in Jooheon's heart.

"Okay," he says, pulling down the headphones he wears and hands them to Hyungwon.

Once Hyungwon wears them, he clicks the play button, expectantly watching his friend's face, to his disappointment Hyungwon closes his eyes, expression calm, but Jooheon can see his eyes moving behind his eyelids. This is the first time Jooheon actually has time to take in Hyungwon's face without having him or anyone else notice. He takes in the change his friend has gone through, but how it's still _so_ Hyungwon because after all it's the same boy that he met all those years ago.

Jooheon watches how his hair falls into his face, long and covering most of his forehead, some loose and longer strands falling over his eyes; Hyungwon's cheeks stand out but not in a sharp way, like they did when they were seventeen and Hyungwon hadn't been properly fed for months; his full lips are parted and Jooheon can hear the soft exhales he does every couple of seconds. He almost looks asleep but then he opens his eyes, they're full of emotions and unsaid words. They hold so much softness.

And that's when it hits him.

He looks at the track that is still playing but he pauses it and motions at Hyungwon to hand him back the headphones. He clicks around furiously for some minutes, aware of Hyungwon's eyes on him but he pays it no mind because he has found what was missing. When he is done he plays the sequences of the chorus and he is satisfied. He quickly saves it and shuts down his computer.

"Found what you were missing?" Hyungwon asks.

 _Yes, I have_ , he thinks as he stares at the boy in front of him.

  

He almost drops out of college but with the help of his friends he pulls through, he attends all of his exams and hands in all of his works. When he gets his emails, informing him he has passed all of the subjects, he feels nothing. Not proud, not overjoyed, not relieved. He doesn't care.

He wants to celebrate like Hyunwoo, Kihyun, and Minhyuk do but as he sits with them in a small bar, pints of beer on their table, all he can think about is the fact that he doesn't know _what_ he is doing all of this for. What's the goal of a human life? What is the right way to live this life?

He always thought he had everything figured out, he thought he was free, he thought he knew who he was, but with every passing day he realizes he stands alone in darkness. Or maybe in huge field, all around him fog and he can't see. He is too scared to walk because what if there's a cliff somewhere and he falls off?

While he seems to be losing himself, Hyungwon seems to be finding himself.

Hyungwon has come to terms with the fact that he is bisexual. He has been working his ass off to pay for some acting classes because it's something he wants to try out as it has always interested him. He is going out more and meeting people, making friends, opening up and becoming brighter.

Jooheon is doing the opposite, he feels so incredibly tired. He barely leaves the apartment, only to meet his friends because they're what makes him keep going. They make him not completely lose himself.

He knows somewhere out there he _is_ —he _exists_. But he can't seem to grasp that concept right now, so he ghosts through his days.

"Jooheon?" Minhyuk pulls him out of his thoughts, he looks worried.

"Yeah?"

"We're ordering another round, do you want one as well?"

He looks at his unfinished beer. "No."

"Are you okay? Do you want to go home?"

"I'll be okay, don't worry."

He says that but he isn't sure _when_ those words will come true. He knows one day these feelings will fade and until then he has to endure this emptiness in his heart. It's exhausting but he won't give up. Because change is permanent. He just has to adjust to this new feeling, to this new life.

Hyungwon walks up to their table, dressed in skinny jeans and a black dress shirt neatly tucked inside them. His black hair is parted in the middle and his eyes twinkle when he meets Jooheon's, a smile forming on his face. Jooheon tries to match it, he hates to worry Hyungwon.

Specially when Hyungwon has been doing so much better these day, he doesn't want to drag down his friend's mood.

"Hey," Hyungwon says as he squeezes himself into the free spot next to Jooheon, he grabs the half empty beer and takes a huge sip out of it. "I was dying of dehydration."

"Then maybe beer isn't the best answer," Kihyun says.

"Fuck off, beer is nutritious."

"Whatever you say."

Jooheon knows his old self would smile at this interaction, shake his head at his friend's antics. He'd feel overjoyed that Kihyun and Hyungwon get along, despite _everything_ that went down. But he just _can't_. And he hates that. It hurts his heart so much and he wants to cry. He wants to feel something, anything again.

Hyungwon notices his torn expression, the hurt in his eyes and he slides his arm around Jooheon's shoulders, drawing him closer.

"Don't give up," he whispers, as if he knows exactly what Jooheon is going through.

 

Jooheon stares at his reflection and notices how incredibly tired he looks. He watches how his bleached hair falls down around him as the hairdresser moves the buzzer around the form of his head in a skillful manner.

He mourns the loss but hair grows back and right now he needs to get rid of it because it doesn't suit him anymore. He doesn't know who he is or what he wants. He is confused and lost, more than he ever thought he'd be.

He glances at Hyungwon sitting in the back, on one of the leather chairs that the hair salon disposes to their clientele. This time when his heart beats faster, constricting his lungs and rushing the blood in his veins he doesn't fight or questions it. He lets it overtake him.

Jooheon is twenty, almost twenty-one, when he realizes he is love with Hyungwon.

It's the only thing he knows for sure these days.

* * *

 

One month after Jooheon turns twenty-two his first mixtape drops. It's out for hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people to listen to. To love. To hate. To criticize. To _feel_.

He is so incredibly proud of himself and his team, but he is scared as well because it's a start to a road he so desperately wants to go down and he managed to make the start, but the rest of the road is under construction. It's not an assured path. But for the time being he just enjoys the feeling of having something that he made to be released for people to have.

He has a long Skype conversation with Changkyun, talking about music and how incredibly proud Changkyun is of him, recommending the mixtape to all his American friends, promoting it all across the big ocean. Even Hoseok calls him, crying on the phone, and telling him that it's so beautiful and emotional.

He hopes he can shape someone's life to the better with it; he hopes some kids don't feel as lonely anymore, knowing that they have a future; he hopes he can bring change to people.

At least he has gotten back some of that liveliness he used to feel before he started questioning his existence. The thoughts about _who_ he is and _where_ he is heading still visit him in the middle of the night, but they don't take over completely anymore. He knows how to fight them, how to deal with them, how to carry on despite them.

Another thing that happens when he is twenty-two is the fact that he has wholly, irrevocably fallen in love with Hyungwon. There's no point in denying it anymore or pretend it's not there, that it will fade away again or that he can ignore it.

Minhyuk knows. Hyunwoo knows. Kihyun knows. Hyungwon doesn't know.

 

Jooheon wraps the scarf tighter around his neck, burying his nose in it as he walks up the street to his apartment. It's late at night and he is starving. He spent the whole day doing interviews and a photoshoot for his upcoming debut stage. Showing the world who he is, talking about his past, what inspirations he has for his music, where he wants to go with his music. He is excited about it just as much as he is scared.

He unlocks the door to his flat and turns on the light, almost dropping his phone when five people jump up from behind the couch, shouting and throwing confetti in the air.

 _Of course they would_ , he thinks and laughs, feeling light hearted.

He drops his bag by the door and walks inside his flat, fighting off the tears in his eyes as he lets Minhyuk hug him tightly, Hyunwoo joining, hugging them both. Kihyun stands aside smiling brightly and goes over to squeeze his shoulder and ruffle his short hair.

Hyungwon steps forward hesitantly but Jooheon breaks through all these awkward feelings that are in between them; he cuts ties with their not so fortunate pasts, deciding they have a life time in front of them to talk about it when they're ready; he pushes away all doubts and insecurities when it comes to Hyungwon and embraces him in a bone crushing hug.

For a moment everything around them fades. He inhales Hyungwon's familiar and comforting smell; he hears Hyungwon's pounding heart where he lays his head against his chest; he feels Hyungwon's arms around his frame, hugging back just as tightly, his forehead resting on Jooheon's shoulder. Like the waves that come and go on a beach, steadily, Jooheon knows he will keep walking forward, together with Hyungwon by his side.

When they pull apart, their friends pretend as if they hadn't just spent an awful long time hugging each other, lost in their own, small world. They act no different despite the collective awkwardness they feel, knowing something _important_ just happened. Hoseok clears his throat and shows off the big cake he holds, it's adorned with rainbows and music notes, the word _Congratulations_ written on it with yellow frosting.

Jooheon smiles, teary eyed and a bit embarrassed.

"Changkyun was supposed to arrive like an hour ago but his flight got delayed so we have to pick him up in around forty minutes so he can join the party," Minhyuk says and Jooheon's heart feels incredibly warm.

He might have felt so lost in the past year but he is slowly finding his way again.

 

"What is this?" he asks Minhyuk, eyeing the guitar in Kihyun's hands and the mic Hyungwon is holding warily. Something nervous settles in his stomach, his hands shake, and his heart beats wildly in his chest.

"You'll see," Minhyuk replies mysteriously, he looks excited, barely able to hide the big grin that takes over his futures.

Jooheon sits down at their usual table and thanks Hyunwoo who brings him a beer and sits down next to him, he wears a grin as well, his eyes crinkling. Jooheon doesn't like this ominous way his friends are acting or how distressed Hyungwon looks up on the stage, throwing nervous glances towards Jooheon every now and then.

"Hi, my name is Hyungwon and this is my rendition of True Colors for tonights music competition," he says into the mic, his voice shaky. "I dedicate this song to, um, someone special that sits in this room." He looks over at Jooheon and despite that he looks like he is about to faint he smiles.

Hyungwon's smile is giddy, fear hidden in it, but a way more powerful and optimistic feeling radiates off of it. His eyes look like stars when they meet Jooheon's. He grabs the mic tighter and clears his throat, giving Kihyun a quick nod who starts to strum the guitar softly. And then he starts to sing and Jooheon is overwhelmed. At first Hyungwon avoids looking anywhere, his gaze fixed somewhere in the distance, swaying to the guitar's melody, but slowly, as he gets more into the song, his eyes wander over to Jooheon and he holds them in place.

Jooheon can feel his blood rush through his whole body, the only thing he hears is Hyungwon's voice and the words he is singing mixed together with the rapid drumming of his heart.

" _I see your true colors and that's why I love you,_ " Hyungwon breathes out his last words and closes his eyes for a moment before he opens them again, there are unshed tears in them.

Jooheon _understands_. He understands the feeling of finally coming to terms with it, to accept your sexuality and find someone that you love. To accept your love and know it _isn't_ wrong, despite what the rest of the world might say. He knows how liberating Hyungwon must feel, the sudden rush of freedom is scary and overwhelming. Jooheon shares those feelings, all of them.

Hyungwon isn't alone. Jooheon isn't alone. _They're free together._

* * *

 

The basketball court at the top of the hill by the outskirts of the small town has and will always be _their_ spot. It doesn't matter how much older they will grow, whether they grow apart again, whether they will remain by each other's sides for the rest of their lives.

The whole world around them has changed, the street lamps are modernized, emitting bright white light; the lines on the court have been repainted several times; the hoop's net has been replaced; the once colorful and artsy graffiti wall is now gray.

Jooheon's hair is short and light brown, the bags under his eyes are deeper, but his smiles are brighter. He has grown taller, lost weight and put on muscles in exchange, he wears contact lenses more often these days. His love for music has grown considerably over the past years, turning it into his career.

Hyungwon himself has changed. He doesn't even know _where_ to begin.

But as he lays on the floor of the basketball court, staring up at the shapes of the clouds, which are slowly turning a dark shade of gray and orange, his pinky finger linked with Jooheon's, he realizes that some things don't change.

Thirteen years later Jooheon is still by his side. Despite everything.

Just like the overwhelming feeling he got when he first laid his eyes on Jooheon, all those years ago, when Jooheon shyly entered the basketball court. That day Hyungwon's heart took a decision, one he wasn't even aware of, but he doesn't regret it. Not when Jooheon tilts his head towards him, giving him his trademark dimpled smile. Hyungwon smiles back, his heart growing, his soul getting warmer.

If he has learnt one thing in all these years it's that things aren't permanent and change is constant, but if there's something worth keeping, then he has to make an effort to _fight_ for it. 

**Author's Note:**

> shout out @ james for making me a hyungheon stan ahjfkdsf
> 
> My friend made a [moodboard](http://softmrdimples.tumblr.com/post/170938135895/i-dont-pretend-to-know-the-challenges-youre) based on this story and I'm in love good bye


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